Plod for life.

Well, it’s March, and in less than four months I’m supposed to be running 5k. Yes, Running. Oh dear.

 

Well, the gentle improving of my fitness has begun, with thrice weekly (when we can be arsed) vigourous dog walking with Vicky and whenever else I get the chance. Basic fitness has definately improved, and I have lost 2.5kg. My ‘cheeky girl‘ moment this week proves there is still excess lard that needs to be shifted, so I guess a little more effort is required.

 

Vicky and I did actually run this week.

Briefly.

For about five paces.

Does that count?

 

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/sarahmitchell0374

I don’t ‘do’ running….but….

I’ll be attempting to complete the ‘Race For Life’ in Plymouth on Sunday 19th June, to raise money for Cancer Research UK. I’ll be running in memory of our dear Ciel/Ebren, who we lost to cancer in January. It feels like one of the few things I can do when feeling otherwise helpless. Please click on the button below if you would consider sponsoring me. Thankyou

Farewell

We said farewell to the wonderful Ebren today, and I shall miss her so much.

Last month she told me that I really must start blogging again, so I guess I must do as I’m told.

I’ve only known her a few years, but she was one of those people who has a real impact on you. When I first met her, I didn’t know she had been ill, and just thought she was a beautiful woman who dared to wear her hair extremely short, and looked fantastic with it. Very cool.

Then I found out she was a theatre nurse. Very cool.

Then I found out she played the harp. Exceedingly cool.

Then I found out about the dolls. Which, to be honest, at first I found a little creepy!  I have grown to appreciate it, though it’s not for me.

Then she got me back into knitting and introduced me to Ravelry and created a monster!

I could tell her anything without fear of being judged. I could admit my ignorance without being made to feel stupid.

Take away for a moment her illness, and the grace and dignity with which she travelled through it, take away any idea of a ‘tragic heroine’; she was just an extraordinary woman. Speaking to her mother in her last week, I discovered more about her life before I met her, and more of how talented, capable, compassionate and wise she was. She packed more into her life and had more impact on people in that time than many do in twice as many years.

Some of us returned to her house today, drank tea, ate cake and knitted. I’d only met a few of those women before, my word, they’re wonderful. Not reflecting on myself, but she had fantastic taste in friends.

Travel well, our beautiful lady.

Xxx

 

Blessed.

Had a good, if a little manic today. I did a training session for a German Shepherd – had a bit of a James Herriot moment when the owner threw a toy for the dog, forgetting that I was attached to the other end of the long line. The dog has a bit of a problem with other dogs, so I couldn’t let go. Dog pelted off, dragged me off my feet and along the ground through the mud to retrieve the toy. D’oh! Would’ve been very funny to witness.

I took two puppy classes that went well, and was delighted to find owners who were asking me questions about positive methods, because they didn’t want to be mean to their dog. Hurrah!!!! Usually it’s me begging the owners, trying to get through to them that they really don’t need to leash pop their dogs. I’m very much looking forward to seeing how they get on.

Look how lucky I was with my birthday presents – most of them completely unexpected and a delightful surprise. I’m particularly fond of CharlieMouse, The Mother Of All Lindt Bunnies, and the little metal bird on the wing.

My two very dear friends have arrived for the weekend, which I’m so happy about. Wonderful to see them. We’re camping out on the living room floor with three dogs. And we’re starting to come up with ideas for the flat, I think it’ll be so encouraging to have their input, rather than just standing there in the middle of the mess on my own thinking ‘OhF**k!’

Happy Birthday to me..

Following last nights ‘head shock’ fest and lack of sleep, I had a really sluggish birthday today. It was really hard to function at work, spinny, spinny head, but I’m so lucky with the people I work with. It was quite clear how I was struggling, and everyone was very supportive and helpful, which made things as easy as they could be under the circumstances.

Good news – I completed on the flat and picked up the keys. I had only actually seen the place once, about a year ago, so it was with some trepidation I went to take a look. Thankfully, it’s not quite as small as I had been imagining, though it is particularly compact and bijou. But the smell, yikes, that is still there. I’m planning a ‘stripping party’ this weekend with some friends, to start the de-whiffification project.

I hada lovely birthday cake at work.

Who am I trying to kid?

I am not a happy little thing at the moment.

The person I love is grieving, and is such a long way from me right now. I ache for his pain, I ache for his loss, and I ache for his abscence from my life. There is absolutely nothing I can do or say to make things better for him, I know that. But I’m overwhelmed by the selfish thoughts about me, me, me; that I am not what he wants, not what he needs, not who he runs to right now. I am not his refuge. I am not his rest. I am a small part of his life and must go back in my box for the time being. It’s so very hard to do that when all I want to do is reach out and hold him, to console him, to cry with him.

He is unable to be part of my life right now. Momentous things are happening, of which he knows nothing. For 15 months 3 people have been living in limbo, lives on hold until circumstances allow. My ‘situation’ which has been cited as a limiting factor on our relationship so often, is about to change. I am about to have a flat of my own. The thing that I have wanted for so long is now here, and whilst the reality of being ‘on your own’ was bound to be very scary, to feel SO on my own right now has added several orders of magnitude to that fear. He has no idea. And I can’t burden him with it right now.

I feel so bad for being so self absorbed – struggling and complaining so much about feeling ill, when I have friends who are REALLY struggling with illness, in ways I could barely imagine, where half a day in their shoes would make me grateful for my body and it’s misbehaving niggles.

But for me, my experience, boy am I struggling right now. My love doesn’t even know I’ve seen the neurologist. He doesn’t know that I’m still having to take time off work, when my head is so befuddled I am making dangerous mistakes. He doesn’t know that I have come off the antidepressants completely. He doesn’t know that the ‘head shocks’ are back, and getting worse, that I just have to move my eyes to feel like my brain is on a zip wire, and has flown out of my body in several directions at once. That I’m close to stopping driving because of it.  That when I close my eyes they come like lightening strikes that flash across my eyes and make me jump, pushing sleep further and further away, and ushering in another head throbbing day that I will struggle to walk through.

He doesn’t know that my tummy is misbehaving in relentless ways, that I spent half my day at work locked in the bathroom, or hoping that clients would cut short their chat so I could dash off. That I am feeling drained, in so many senses of the word. Days, weeks, months of this, trying to tease apart whether it’s finishing one drug, or starting another, or something completely unrelated that is causing each thing. And what if it is ‘just’ stress that is causing ALL of this; the troubled sleep, the toothgrinding, the headaches, the head shocks, the diarrhoea, the vomiting, the complete lethargy. How can I pare down my life to be rid of it? Right now, I want to sob, to wail, for him, for his family, for my heart, for my body. But I cannot, because there is someone in the next room to whom I would have to explain myself. So I am left with a lump in my throat, a cry trapped in my mouth, and silent tears streaming.

This is why I try to find silly happy pics to put up, to convince myself that it is, and that I am, OK. And will be. To get myself to look at the colours of the good things that are so often hiden behind that grey veil haning over my mind. This may just be the darkness before the dawn. I have a flat to make into a home. I have some wonderful friends coming to be with me at the start of this new journey. I have a table booked at a restaurant for 15, some of my favourite people. There will be hugs and smiles.

But oh, I miss my boy.

Pre-Birthday Cake :o)

The lovely Sue made me a Butterfly Fish Pre-Birthday Cake. It is yummy.

She then tried on a spare dry suit. Teeheehee!

BST

Meant to post this yesterday. Change to BST and all that, I thought I would try and come up with something good and happy and summeryish every day for the season. Har har. How long do you think I’ll last at that one?!

So yesterday’s happy-ness involved a lovely young Frenchman Dani Detammaeker, teaching a bunch of shuffling middle aged English people how to dance. Well, trying to anyway! How he danced and played harmonica at the same time, I have no idea. And playing harmonica and bashing his tambourine at the same time was fab.

Here’s a little vid of a few folks dancing – Liz thought they looked like seaweed and beasties being blown about by the current. I named the dance ‘Brownian Motion‘.

Unfortunately not much dancing for me, wibbly wobbly headed woman that I am right now. On that note, saw the neurologist today, who said there’s no evidence my brain is shrinking like my Mum’s – hoorah! Common or garden migraine it is then. Will have some experiments to do with different meds, but hopefully something will do the job. To be honest, I would prescribe myself swimming, and a massage a couple of times a week. Got to try and find the time somehow. He did say reducing stress (haha!) would probably help, but not quite as east as cutting out cheese or something.

I tried to find some happy summery pics to put up today, but it was pissing it down with rain. So you get a couple of wet and miserable ones instead.

But, to cheer us up, here are some pics I took last week of a puppy enjoying kiddy toys.

Back

I’ve been meaning to blog all week since I got back from Sharm el Sheikh, but it’s amazing how time/motivation just runs away. Can only just find the oomph to work and feed myself!

I had a lovely time, really relaxed in the warm sun. The snorkelling made me feel a lot more like my self than I have done for a long time. I used to be rufty tufty dive girl, lugging my cylinders and kit around, pretty strong.  And now just wandering around B&Q leaves me feeling a bit wibbly and dizzy. It was wonderful to not be at work, to have good food provided, and have the energy to snorkel and take pictures.

I found the most wonderful carpet  shop in the Mall, and amongst the persian rugs was the most beautiful bedspred. It was a vibrant blue with appliqued fish and sea beasties of every imagineable kind. Hundreds of them, with such imaginative use of materials to give them their character – leopard print coral! It was so beautiful, I soon got sucked into the shop to drink hibiscus tea with the proprietor, who was delighted to inform me it was all handmade by the women in his family back in Luxor. He hung it on the wall and played with the lights which made it glow, it was wonderful. I was severely tempted, but we didn’t even discuss the cost, just the beauty of the work. I did intend to go back at the end of the week, but time sort of ran away with me. I took some fantastic pictures of it, with close ups of the fishes that I was really pleased with – but managed to lose the memory card! aaaaargh!!

I wasn’t allowed to dive because of my migraine meds, so spent the week snorkelling and taking pictures. I was SO pleased with so many of them that I took, and was gutted that they were all lost. I consolled myself with the thought of the rolls of film pictures I took with the underwater camera. Pretty fishes, turtle, squid, at least some of them had got to be ok. But I couldn’t believe it – camera fault and three of the six films didn’t expose at all! Grrrrrr!

So, all I have from the whole week is memories, a few underwater pics, and the last day of climbing Mount Sinai. Some of those came out well, but the most redeeming thing is the 2 pictures I took of the Mangrove at Ras Mohammed.

Holiday

I’m on holiday. And I am smiling. Good and bad stuff this last week.

Headaches -  but referral to see a neurologist has come through much quicker than I expected.

Flat buying – the vendor for the place I’ve been trying to buy for a year has decided not to try and squeeze me for an extra £4000 after all. And my mortgage offer has come through. Yay!

Diving holiday – without the diving. I’m off to the Red Sea for a week tomorrow, but unfortunately the change in meds for my headaches means I’m not allowed to dive. Booo. But, I am certainly ready for a week of laying in the sun, snorkelling, reading books, knitting and exploring. I’m hoping to learn a little more about cameras too.

I really hope I will manage to relax properly, and it will manifest in peaceful sleep, with no tooth grinding, no neckache, and no headache.

I had a very sobering moment today, trying on swimming costumes. The saying of ‘you are what you eat’ must be true, as my legs appear to be made of porridge. I almost didn’t recognise myself.  I used to cycle to work, go for massive yomps on the moors, be playing music in pubs most nights and generally fit. I have turned into a slug, for whatever reason, and need to do something about it. The headache stuff is a bit of a priority, but physical and mental health, and fitness, are all interconnected. At least summer is nearly here, the clocks go forward soon, I hope it will be a good time to start living my life again.